Why I play

While I admit I have an extremely vague and entirely unrealistic fantasy of actually being a poker pro, I'm grounded enough to realize that isn't very likely to happen. I'm playing basically break-even poker, and as I don't have the time to devote to improving my game immediately, I will continue to do my best and work steadily to improve. I think a more realistic short-term goal would be to become an overall winning player, but it seems unlikely I will become a winning player at large enough levels to allow me to quit my day job any time soon.

I did, however, experience a hand this weekend that really clarified why I enjoy this game so much, and why I'll continue to play (even at break even levels) for the foreseeable future. It helps, of course, that I was holding the absolute nuts. Deep stack tournament, $5000 in chips to start and 30 minutes levels, and I'm sitting on an average stack (around 35000) with the blinds at 400/800 (75 antes), I believe. I get to see the flop for free in the big blind holding Q/9d. Five players see the flop, which includes the 8 and 10 of diamonds. The betting on the flop and the turn give me more than enough odds to chase both the flush and gut shot straight draws. The Jack of diamonds on the river gave me the straight flush (my first in online tournament play), and when I pushed, hoping my only remaining opponent would read it for desperation or that he was holding the Ace high flush, I was literally ecstatic when he called and I doubled up (holding the 7/8 of diamonds, incidentally, for a much weaker flush even had the final diamond to hit not been the Jack).

That single hand, with all of the various decisions (do I bet my draw in early position? Smooth call or raise? Check raise the river? Raise or push when he bet?) and knowing with absolute certainty that I had the best hand was such a high. I understand how people can become addicted to the thrill of the win. Thank heavens this was an online tournament, because my hands were shaking for 10 minutes afterwards.

I play because winning is that much fun. I play because poker combines the intellectual prowess of numbers manipulation with psychology and the endorphin rush of danger, triumph and defeat. I play because that feeling is better than the lows of getting pocket rockets cracked by your opponent holding cowboys when one of his two outs hits the river (which also happened this weekend).

Knowing that part of why I play is for the joy of the win should motivate me to play better poker, the more consistently with which to win and experience that feeling, right? If I can just use this memory during those times I'm feeling discouraged after another bad beat or bad play, I might be able to survive the emotional component of this game.

Good luck, and I'll see you at the tables.

SGT RJ

Depression and Elation

Yesterday was probably the lowest I have ever felt in my poker "career".  I'd certainly lost more money before (my first trip to Vegas, when I was comically unaware of just how bad I was), but never felt as discouraged.  Between my horrible run Friday night online (6 tournaments, no cashes, card dead and suck outs galore) and my day in Atlantic City yesterday, I was actually considering not playing at all, at least for a while.  I want to get better at poker, but if there's no fun to be had, what's the point?

I entered a tournament in AC first - 50/12 buy in, 110 entrants.  20 minute levels, 10000 in chips. I lasted past the first break, which considering I saw no hand higher than 10s (one AK, if I remember) and was sitting to the left of a LAG big stack who raised every time I picked up something that I would consider raising, but not calling with, I thought this was a decent finish.  I ended up getting busted when, in the BB and short stacked (under 400 with the blinds at 400/800 and 75 antes), I picked up a small pocket pair (6s).  UTG +1 raises to 2000, and when another person called, I knew I had to push with a pair and a ton of dead money in the pot.  The initial raiser re-raised all in to isolate - I was pretty scared he had jacks or higher at that point - and ended up in a coin flip when he turned over A/9 suited.  He caught a 9 on the river to bust me, which is mediocre luck but I wasn't too discouraged with that.  I only made on obvious mistake I could see in the tourney - I raised a jack high flop with J/Qo, was raised all in by a short stack, and misinterpreted a call by another player as a raise and folded, believing I was outkicked.  I would have won a decent pot with trip Jacks (the other three players in were all on the same flush draw), and this taught me a valuable lesson in live play.  If confused about the action, ask.  And possibly take out both earbuds when actually in a hand.  I felt pretty stupid after that one, but I don't think it was a fatal blow.  

My time at the cash tables was more discouraging.  Still card dead (no pair higher than 10s, an average number of A high hands), and I ended up losing about $200 when I flopped trips into a flush draw board.  I bet the proper amount to chase out a draw, but when one of the four people in the hand called with top pair, the draw called as well and caught it on the turn.  This left me feeling pretty low, a feeling that persisted for the rest of the night.

I hadn't seen queens or aces in four days (I had seen kings online twice in those two days).  It felt like I was losing every coin flip and missing every flop.  I know those kind of streaks are inevitable, but since I'm dedicated to getting better it was very discouraging.  Was the entire thing a product of bad cards, bad situations, and bad luck, or was (is) there a gaping hole in my game that I couldn't see and therefore couldn't attempt to remedy?  I know some of my overall weaknesses that I'm struggling to improve (a tendency to overvalue top pair, not betting when it's my only chance to win the pot and I think I could get others to fold, being too wary of firing a second bullet when my flop continuation raise is called), but was (is) there something else I'm missing?

Today helped restore some badly needed confidence.  I busted out midway through of the first 10 table SNG I entered (full house to a better full house), but then won a 10 table 5.50 tournament.  I got my first pair of aces in four and a half days (at a very opportune time, too, vs a shorter stack all in with jacks) and managed to finally beat out my third all in with my shorter stacked head's up opponent (I pushed him all in three times, and three times he flipped over a pair, including jacks and aces on his first two hands) when I caught an ace high flush to his pair of nines.  Almost $124 (putting back at even for my online career), and a huge sigh of relief. Not that I think I don't still have work to do on my game, but I was starting to believe that I was so woefully out of my depth that perhaps I should give up.  I really don't think that's the case, but it's also nice to have that reassurance that sometimes the breaks will fall my way.

Lessons from this previous stretch:

1.  I need to develop (and/or use) a better sense of when a second bullet will do the trick.  I didn't trust my instincts during the cash game that an all-in re-raise would win the hand (as he admitted he would have after the hand).  I have a hard time betting with a bluff even when I think my opponent might fold.  While this isn't something I'd ever want to do indiscriminately, I think of it as a more "advanced" skill I need to develop and hone.

2.  Bad luck and dry streaks happen, and they suck.  I'm not quite sure what the best way to deal with them is.  Play through the pain?  Take a break and wait for the "luck" to return?  I understand it's all mathematics, but when the breaks are constantly going against you, you start to wonder.  

3.  I am infinitely more comfortable at tournaments than I am at cash games.  I know how to exploit this online, but it's trickier in live play, I think, especially if you are waiting between tourneys.  Should I just forgo the cash games for now, or try to develop this part of my game in concert with improving my tournament play?  

I need to finish the tournament I'm in right now (another 10 table 5.50, currently in 6th place with 23 remaining), so I'll finish this for now.  I won't be playing live again until Vegas in March (probably), so until then it's online play for me.  Good luck to all, and see you on the tables.

SGT RJ